I prepared dinner—roasting 2 chickens and served with sides of soup, salad and spuds. I slaved in the kitchen for a good 4 hours, proudly making everything from scratch. Yup, nothing from a can or a bag beh beh! Boy, nothing feels better than cooking for the people that you love! We closed the meal with a super amazing Blackforest cake ordered from Fatboybakes—gawd, it’s unlike any I’ve ever had! Very, very, very tasteh.

The celebrations continued on to yesterday as I took the day off to spend time with David and Zachary. Dave’s big 29th birthday surprise started off with breakfast in bed and then onto a 3-course lunch with ginger ale served in our crystal champagne glasses (hey, I would get the real thing IF only I could figure out how to hide it from the husband ok?)

Now you know why he is more *pui* than before he met me LOL.

Now you also know why it’s so damn hard for me to lose weight cos I just love cooking. And eating what I’ve cooked.

But I’m determined now, more than ever, to lose all that weight gained during pregnancy. GO AWAY! MAY YOU FATS BE GONE!

(sorry about that, t’was a random rant moment)

Anyhoo, sometimes we forget how these simple gestures suffice to put a smile on that special someone’s face. I’m grateful that despite the (somewhat) shabby effort I put in, I still managed to make David’s 29th birthday a memorable one. Read his recollection of his special day here.

Dear David, you are my best friend, my confidant, my soul mate, my partner in crime and my greatest treasure ever. I’m looking forward to more milestones in our journey together. Happy (belated) birthday, honey!

XOXO from Me and Muffin!

So here’s what I like about her:

1. She’s quite clean and hygiene conscious when she’s around Muffin. She also makes sure her hands are sanitized between the endless number of nappy changes.
2. She works like a bullet train on the loose – everything gets done like in a jiffy and it’s not shabby at all
3. She’s very neat and tidy; David’s clothes are kept almost colour and collar coordinated AND she rolled up all of my panties (which I told her to un-roll cos I can’t identify my undies in that manner)
4. She loves being around Muffin and loves playing with him, we even caught her singing Jingle Bells to him once (probably ran out of ideas liao!)
5. She’s initiated and tries to problem-solve on her own. For the longest time we had this horrible stain on our toilet floor, and God knows what she did it’s gone now. Amazing.

Here’s what drives me crazy:

1. She doesn’t listen attentively when new instructions are given, especially when it comes to preparing vegetables and meats for cooking. Once I caught her stabbing a sengkuang, and another time I saw her cutting a good inch off the top of a capsicum and chucking it into the bin. My heart was beating really fast. I guess she’s never had a sengkuang, or a capsicum.
2. She’s a hoarder. She keeps our trash. Everything that we try to dispose off, she somehow skims through first and keeps the stuff she deems “worthy” to be kept. Her feet are not even my size and she’s keeping a pair of my really worn out slippers. AND, my mom caught her keeping 2 of her worn out bras. We’ve resorted to throwing away stuff directly into the big bin at my mom’s shop or at my apartment. This one really drives me crazy.
3. She simplifies problem-solving the Pinoy way (which is not the right/safe way). I caught her stabbing a can instead of using the can opener TWO TIMES. I almost went mental. As you may already notice she likes stabbing things. In the kitchen.
4. She occasionally has bad memory. She keeps forgetting that we use chopsticks with bowls. Sometimes you see a fork and spoon set at the table with Chinese rice bowls seated in between. AND, our kitchen utensils always gets misplaced into different drawers. She just can’t remember where she took them from. I have problems looking for my baking utensils too!
5. She’s always asking me to pass Muffin to her. Even when I’m like free, and have nothing to do, and she’s looking for something to do, she wants me to pass Muffin to her. I’m his mother ok! I will take care of him full time everyday when I’m back from work and on the weekends. Don’t push me! Don’t try to take over!

So God please grant me to patience to teach and guide and mould Maria for the rest of the time she will be working for us. Amen.

Meet Rainbow. Rainbow is from Lamaze’s Play & Grow range and its secret agent codename is Pupsqueak. He’s so damn colourful hence the name. Press his nose and he’ll bark. Touch his ears and it’ll crinkle. Jiggle his feet and it’ll rattle. He even has a cute lil’ bone tied to his feet!

I took this video of Zack having a quiet moment with Rainbow.

Click here to view the embedded video.

I know I’m his mother and I’m biased but I can have the right to be proud that he actually turned to me when I called out his name AND also did you notice him turning back to Rainbow when I said its name?!?!

Maybe it was just sheer coincidence…*cough*

Besides Rainbow, Zack has some other toys that keep him company and sometimes the other way around—he keeps them company! I didn’t name the rest of his toys cos that won’t make Rainbow special anymore, you see.

His very first toy was a plastic bear with a stomach filled with little balls. We adults call it a rattle. His eyes will follow it when we wave it in front of him but that’s pretty much it. Guess he can’t do much with a rattle when he can’t even grab with his hands yet.

He stares deep into the mirror of his Miracles & Milestones Silly Segment Caterpillar and gets kinda confused when I “toot” Caterpillar’s nose. I clipped Mr Caterpillar to his  Ocean Wonders Kick & Crawl Aquarium play gym–both from Fisher Price.

He loves kicking and punching when he’s in his play gym. I believe he had trained real hard while working out in his gym and learnt to keep his arms up high in this video.

Click here to view the embedded video.

He shrieks with excitement and his arms and legs start moving non-stop when he’s in his crib “connecting” with his only crib toy, Fisher Price’s Link-A-Doos Kick & Play Piano. I suspect it’s the flashing lights and fast tunes that makes him go “aaah!”

There’s one toy that doesn’t seem to interest him. Or could it be possible that he can’t even see it? I got him a pair of wrist rattles from Bright Starts but every time I put them on, it’s like as if it ain’t there. Conclusion–I think he just can’t really see it lah.

I thank God for toys because I can have a moment to breathe. Sometimes when I need to time out, I just put him in his crib and he’ll be entertaining himself with the piano. Or when it’s after his feed, and he refuses to sleep, I’ll let him have a full body workout in his play gym (that’s cos I’m secretly hoping that he’ll tire out and fall asleep quicker…mind you, it hasn’t worked). Now, now, I wonder how he’ll react when his Daddy shows him the wonders of an iPad?

Zachary is very blessed that he’s got 2 sets of grandparents (AND a great-grandma) who loves him to bits. His grandparents are also a funny bunch, coming up with their own ways of entertaining and socialising with their first grandchild. Here are my observations:

My mom

I don’t know why she’s so obsessed with getting Zack to pee and poop–everytime I bring him over to my parents’ place, she’ll carry him, ask him if he wants to wee/poo poo, grabs the potty, removes his diapers, and starts “telling” him to sheee sheee or mmmm mmmmm!! For goodness sake, he’s friggin’ 7 weeks old Ma! And when so happen he manages to wee/poop in the potty, she’ll feel all proud cos she was successful in her mission. Lawaks giler! I also noticed this other thing she likes to say to him, and it just makes me laugh cos it’s like the default question she’ll ask Zack ALL THE TIME, “Cho meh si?” (meaning what you doing/what you want in Cantonese). I can see my mom really enjoys carrying him and she’ll talk to me THRU him by saying stuff like “don’t go home so early ya Poh Poh wants to carry you“. Ma, just tell me lah I can handle it! My mom, gosh she drives me crazy 65% of the time and the other 35%….go figure.

My mom-in-law

If there’s one person who can sing every known nursery rhyme out there, in the entire universe, it’s my MIL. Formerly a kindergarten principal, I must commend her for her excellent memory of all the nursery rhyme lyrics contained in her brain. The songs I thought I knew had twisted lyrics to them. For example, I was singing this to Zachary yesterday:

“Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream, throw your teacher overboard, then you’ll hear her scream”

I didn’t even have the politically correct lyrics, how to sing to my son?? And for most songs, I can only remember the words to the first verse, and when it got to the second–I just rewind and start from the beginning again (or, I make up nonsense words as I go along). SO, I am very grateful to have my MIL sing him them nursery rhymes. I also noticed she loves talking to him, asking him questions, giving him answers, all with a fairly sing-song high-low pitch approach. APPARENTLY, in my What to Expect in The First Year book, it says that this sing-song method does help to grab the babies attention. Now I know why sometimes when I talk to other babies I automatically go into this high-low pitch speech too.

My dad

You guys won’t believe this, BUT my dad has not yet EVEN ONCE carried Zack boy!! He’s too freaked out to handle a baby with a wobbly, weak head and neck. The closest he has come to contact with Zachary is helping to put on his bootees and patting his shoulder to sleep (while baby’s lying on the mattress). My mom told me that even with my brother and I, he didn’t really carry us until we were able to lift our heads up on our own. So really, my Dad has been an observer in the last 7 weeks. I hope he’ll get over the fear soon so he can hang out more often with my lil’ boy.

My father-in-law

My FIL jumped right into grandpa mode so to speak! The first time he came to visit after we were discharged from the hospital, FIL carried his grandson, fed him, and even burped him. COMPLETE opposite from my Dad wey! I guess cos he doesn’t get to see Zachary often with his crazy travel schedule, he takes every opportunity he gets to be with Zack seriously. Just 2 Sundays ago I noticed FIL walloping his lunch down quickly so he could spend some quality time cuddling his grandson. I should treasure those moments too once I return to work full time.

Everyone loves you to bits, Zachary!

For comparison sake, I went digging around the bookshelf for my baby photos and got some of David’s baby pics from my mother-in-law. I couldn’t find one of me when I was a month old though but the conclusion is obvious. You be the judge.

I myself think Zachary looks more like daddy. And yes, I have hair that goes “pang pang seng”. AND I’ve had my thunder thighs since 1981. Hey, after all I was packed with Dumex goodness back in the days.

On another note, I am fully healed “down there” and got the green light from the doctor to get back into exercising! I can finally jump on that treadmill we bought 1 hour before my water broke on 27th March 2010. YES, I was semangat-ly out shopping at the end of my 38th week of pregnancy. I was THAT desperate to lose all the weight I gained in the 9 months of carrying Zack. Now I can work out while watching Biggest Loser for motivation. Okthxbai.

We had a simple fullmoon celebration last Saturday. Zack got his first haircut–a trim at the back of his neck–and had a limau purut bath. Not sure what the significance was but I had to bathe with limau purut too. My confinement nanny prepared the traditional pork knuckle vinegar and rice wine ginger chicken, we served up some red eggs, and distributed the fullmoon gift boxes to our relatives and friends. Compared to Eva’s fullmoon do, I reckon Zack had it easy.

After the confinement nanny left on Sunday, I packed up all of Zack’s stuff and we officially brought him home on Tuesday! It was an awesome feeling because:

1. I finally get to do things my way, without my mom’s voice echoing in the background
2. We have control over our own Astro remote (not that we have much TV time but at least I’m not stuck with watching what my dad wants to watch)
3. I have more alternatives to wear beside rotating that 3 t-shirts and 2 shorts I had at my parents’ place.
4. I reunited with my smelly pillow
5. Most importantly we finally introduced Zack to his real home (for now until we move to our new home in 2012)

On Wednesday, Zack is officially a month old. We brought him back to SDMC for his check up with the pediatrician. Our lil boy had his second dose of Hep B and boy…did he exercise his lungs! He’s grown quite a bit since, weighing in at 4.9kg and measuring 54.5cm in length. That’s an extra 1.4kg from birth and an additional 5.5cm taller! He has baby acne and cradle cap, so my poor boy doesn’t have flawless skin like most babies are supposed to have. I also had an appointment with my obgyn as I had a problem with the healing of my episiotomy incision–of which was corrected immediately with a minor surgical procedure. So after almost 5 weeks of delivering baby, I’m still recovering “down there” *sobs*.

Wednesday was a huge milestone for us as we brought Zack out, from 11 am to 7 pm! We fed him 3 times, changed diapers 3 times (once in the car, whoa!), and to our surprise he slept through most of that 8 hours we were out! So you must be wondering what we did in those 8 hours?

• 11 am – 1.30 pm : Got my eyebrows re-shaped, sent out birth announcement cards at the post office, and had lunch
• 2 pm – 5.30 pm : Doctor’s appointment for both mommy and baby at SDMC
• 6 pm – 7 pm : Stuck in traffic getting home

I must admit after that trip I felt more confident in bringing him out with us. He seems to love sleeping in his car seat everytime we strap him down! This weekend we’re bringing him back to Kajang to spend time with my in-laws. We’re also bringing him to church, so I’m praying that he’ll be cooperative

Can’t believe it’s been a month, looking forward to many more milestones with Zachary!

I was bummed. All the positive signs of a good milk supply in the first 10 days was keeping me going. Even when I had problems, I went to my lactation consultant to get advice and help. I thought I was able to pull through. When the fever came back, I was just so weak, and so helpless, I couldn’t even take care of my baby. I punish myself wondering what wasn’t I doing right (see the “wanting to do everything right” syndrome here?) and I was crying so much I think I dehydrated myself.

My husband who was my cheerleader in the labour room now became the counsellor–he was talking sense into me about needing to get well as a priority rather than worrying about the milk supply. He reminded me that not being able to breastfeed Zachary isn’t the worst thing a parent can do. I processed this statement further, only to remind myself that the entire journey of parenting is one LONG, WINDY road. Breastfeeding is just a town that road passes through at the beginning of the journey. It’s also a medal of honour given to the mothers who successfully go at it a 100%, for as long as they can. However, we still have a LONG drive past the villages, interstate and across borders to educate our son, instill good values, & bring him up in God’s ways.

I must thank all the moms that have been giving me breastfeeding advice and support. I know how passionate you are about it and how successful it has been for you. But I’ve raised my white flag. During those days that I have been sick, I couldn’t even care for myself let alone for my son. I guess there were more bumps on the path that I’ve been on, and my determination to continue has been shadowed in fear that I will never get well if I keep going.

I’m recovering with a course of antibiotics and am slowly getting my energy (and chirpyness) back. Soon Zack will start on infant formula after we run out of the stash of expressed breast milk that I have collected when I was too weak to nurse him. I’m prepared for all the questions and objections from all the breastfeeding moms after reading this post. But please don’t try to make me change my mind. Or judge me. I don’t want to have to say “I don’t want to talk about it”. All I need is to get well, and put all of this behind me.

Day 2 at the hospital

Physically, I’m in serious need of grooming. I have man-brows and my hair is a mess. I sweat buckets everyday and am only allowed 1 shower per day (no washing hair although I’ve broken this rule, washing my hair secretly 3 times in the last week). My boobs are not the size they were pre-pregnancy and I have a jelly belly. Yes, I still look 5 months pregnant. Oh yeah, and say hi to my stretch marks. They will be sticking around for a while.

My episiotomy is still healing, thank God there’s no infection but there is still soreness in the area. Not uncommon that it does take 4-6 weeks to completely heal. I was also down with fever last Friday and Saturday due to mild engorgement of the breast. I had consulted my obgyn and the lactation consultant to ease the problem and my fever hasn’t come back since. That said, my milk production has been sufficient and Zachary is feeding well. Like what his dad says, he’s got the poop and pee to prove it!

I’m an aeroplane, wheeee!

Emotionally, I feel overwhelmed. This thing called post-natal blues is not a myth. I do feel like i’m not ready to care for a baby, afraid that I would hurt him. I punish myself by wanting to do everything right the first time, but hey, what is “right the first time?”. I’m afraid of being judged by other moms, afraid of being a FAIL mom. I feel discouraged at times, pressured by my own mother on how I should be caring for my newborn. I look for answers in books and on the internet, only to drown myself with too much information and not knowing which to follow. I am mentally and emotionally exhausted.

This is where the supportive husband steps in. I’m blessed to have David by my side, from the moment our son was born. He has been the pillar that has been keeping me standing, keeping me sane. There were moments where I wanted to be a supermom, and it was him who kept my mind focused on the direction that we should be heading to (and not what we should do to please others). Of course, not forgetting that God has given me the strength to take each day knowing that He is there, every step of the way.

Daddy’s lil’ boy

I remain optimistic that a every new day will be a better day. I would have mastered new skills along the way, and I would be more confident in taking care of him, especially when my confinement nanny leaves at the end of the month. I will not subject myself to unattainable goals and I will not set unrealistic targets to achieve. I will take each day as it comes to learn and grow at my own pace. I shall not aim to be a supermom, instead, I’ll do my best to care for my little baby.