The next installment in our Marriage Course covers the power of forgiveness. In this session we discussed how can intimacy be lost, if we fail to forgive one another. Intimacy is built on trust and openness & hurt undermines trust and openness. Of course, hurt is inevitable within every marriage, but we must remember that some hurt will be unintentional. On the other hand those hurts caused intentionally can be reactions from being angry (i.e. rhinos and hedgehogs communicating with each other), retaliation and fear, resentment and guilt.

So what happens if hurt and anger are buried? A lot can happen! Physical symptoms such as disturbed sleep, lack of appetite, and even certain medical conditions like ulcers and high blood pressure. You will find that it also affects behaviour, causing one to have inability to relax, have a low sexual desire, quick temper and obsessive behaviour. Emotionally, one may lose positive emotions, fall into depression, shut down and even have the fear of confrontation. As David and I went thru the exercise in this session, we managed to identify the hurt that was in the past (a tiny issue we had before we got married) and we were able to forgive each other. The act of asking for forgiveness really sets you free and restores the intimacy. There are essentially 4 steps to restoring intimacy and they are:

Identify the hurt

• First, recognise the way in which you have caused your partner pain and hurt your marriage (Matthew 5:23-24 ‘Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.’)
• Then, be prepared to tell your partner where you have been hurt (Matthew 8:15 ‘If your brother or sister sins against you, go and show them their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over.’)

Apologise

• Take responsibility of the actions and words that you may have used to hurt your partner (James 5:16 ‘Confess your faults to one another and pray for one another that you may be healed.’)
• Resist the urge to rationalise what you did or to blame your partner
• Confess to God as this enables us to see the effect of our actions
• Apologise to each other as love means often having to say we’re sorry AND it opens the way for reconciliation and healing

Forgive

• Forgiveness is one of the greatest forces for healing in a marriage (Matthew 18:21-22 ‘Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall i forgive my brother or sister when they sin against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times but seventy times seven.”)
• There are varying degrees of difficulty in forgiving. Take Jesus on the cross and those who crucified him. Or it could also be small issues like forgetting to do something or making you late. Or it could be a big issue such as unfaithfulness. (Colossians 3:13 ‘Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.’)
• Forgiveness first and foremost is a choice, not a feeling. The question is not “Do we feel like forgiving?” but the question is “Will we forgive?”. “Will we let go of our self pity / demand for justice / desire to retaliate?”
• You’ll be amazed to see that you will have new feelings follow forgiveness!
• Forgiveness IS NOT:

1. Demanding a person changes before we forgive them
2. Forgetting the hurt happened
3. Pretending it doesn’t matter
4. Thinking time alone will heal the hurt

• Forgiveness IS:

1. Facing the wrong done to us
2. Recognising the emotions inside
3. Choosing not to hold it against out husband or wife
4. Releasing him/her into God’s hands

• Forgiveness deals with anger and resentment – although we might still feel hurt until healing is complete
• Forgiveness is a process – we often  need to keep forgiving – sometimes on a daily basis
• My forgiveness may benefit my partner but ultimately I’m the one who benefits by being free from the bandage of bitterness
• We must let go of our anger and desire to retaliate even if our partner has not yet apologised to us – otherwise buried anger turns to hate
• ‘The flow of forgiveness’ – we are to forgive our of gratitude for the forgiveness we have received.

Start again together

• Thank God for showing you your mistakes and for his forgiveness
• Having gone through the process of identifying, apologising and forgiving, cross out your lists of hurt as a sign you have resolved them between you (Philippians 3:13 ‘Forgetting what lies behind and pressing forward to what lies ahead’)
• Comfort each other – we make ourselves very vulnerable through this process and it is hard to listen to the ways in which we have hurt each other
• Pray for one another = pray aloud or silently asking God to heal your partner of the hurt you have caused him or her (1 John 1:9 ‘If we confess our sins He is faithful and just to forgive us and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.’)

This process is like a drain that carries away the hurt. Confession to God and those we hurt, together with forgiving those who have hurt us, must become a daily habit if intimacy is to be maintained. Otherwise, the drain begins to block up with unresolved hurt and anger. So remember the power of forgiveness! The next topic will cover parents and in-laws, that should be interesting!!