Part 2 of our Marriage Course saw us through the art of communicating. One thing I like about the course is that it helps remind us about how easy it is to keep our marriage alive for a lifetime. We just need to work on it everyday! Sometimes it’s the simplest things that gets us blinded and causes interruptions in us communicating effectively with each other. This session talks about effective communication and how it helps to build intimacy in our marriage.

We went through 2 key issues:

The importance of talking – How important it is to tell each other thoughts. I talk to David about everything, from bitching about work to what’s happening with family, or when there’s a sale or the progress of the TVB drama I’ve been watching over the last 2 weeks. We found that we’re quite comfortable telling each other our thoughts and our feelings, although there may be some areas where we may need to evaluate the barriers of talking. Sometimes we tend to hide our feelings, which make communicating stunted. We have to be able to take courage and practice to open up those hidden feelings which we find hard to speak up of – could be because of embarrassment, or could be because of being worried that I may be misunderstood. I think as a couple we shouldn’t allow any of these barriers to talking hinder us from communicating with each other. The key is to open up and talk about it, and not keep it brewing until it becomes a bigger problem.

The importance of listening – When one talks, the other needs to listen and vice versa. It is not uncommon that most of us take listening for granted, yet it is possible to close our ears. It’s true that we are selective in our listening, and we need to be aware of how selective we are. If we choose to ignore, showing disinterest, or look away when our spouse is talking to us, then the communication breaks down there! When we listen, we show support to our spouse, but listening requires a lot of effort. What’s so difficult? We’re unaware that sometimes we filter the things we listen to. I know I do it unconsciously. And when we listen, what we hear may be affected by our own expectations, prejudices, past experiences, values, beliefs and feelings. And at times, we are listening more to ourselves than to the other person! In essence, effective communication requires us to control the conversation in our mind. We also must review our bad habits when it comes to listening. I’m a serial interrupter. I interrupt a lot when David’s talking to me. He gets so annoyed he’d stop talking! I’ve learnt to dispose of that bad habit slowly but surely, and hopefully one day it’ll be gone completely *shy*. Other annoying bad habits you may not be aware consciously are; such as being an advice giver, going off at a tangent, or jumping in randomly.

Essentially, there are 5 principles for effective listening. Learning to listen is for some people as difficult as learning a foreign language, but we must learn in order to grow closer to our spouse.

1. Pay attention and do no interrupt – allow your partner to finish what they are saying
2. Put yourself in your partner’s shoes – Put your own views to one side and really appreciate what it is like for your partner to be feeling the way that they do
3. Acknowledge their feelings – When you have listened to what your partner wants to say, reflect back what you heard without deflection and interpretation
4. Find out what is most important – THEN, Ask your spouse, what is the most important part of what he/she is saying?
5. Help them determine what they might do – finish off by asking if there is anything he/she would like you to do about what he/she has said

So remember, effective communication starts from ourselves, and we have to keep reminding ourselves to practice talking and listening with the above pointers Tonight we’re off to Part 3: Resolving conflict; should be interesting!